Hanging out with friends, laughing and playing around. No one would think that something was wrong, because no one would know about the journey that she was going through. Someone with a healthy-looking face, and a well-exercised body wouldn’t catch worried eyes. College was supposed to be the best four years of my life with new experiences and meeting new people, but it’s true what people say, “Life can change before your eyes” and it was very true for me. Being told I suffer from bone deficiency not in one, but both of my legs was a part of my life where I wanted to just sit and cry because I love to dance, run, and play sports. I love to be active and have fun, but life wanted something different for me. It took me a while to get out of the slump that I put myself in until I realized that I shouldn’t just let one thing ruin my plans and fun adventures that I have for myself just because the lower part of my legs is weak. Besides life without breaking the rules of the doctors and still being able to take care of myself since I always told myself to live for today, look forward to tomorrow, and don’t forget to smile.
College is always difficult for me because I am always behind in each class that I take whether it’s mathematics, science, or even my art and writing classes. There will be times where I can’t even get out of my college dorm bed to get ready in the morning because of not being able to feel them. Sometimes when this happens it feels like I don’t really have a bottom part of my body, and it just ends with my hips. It takes approximately a couple of hours for me to be able to feel my legs again, but if I’m lucky it will only take an hour and a couple of minutes, however that’s only if I am lucky.
There will be times where I have to be rushed to the emergency room because I would collapse on campus or in my dorm room without being able to move. I feel pain in my waist because of the kidney stones that I now face and still go through to this day. But I am glad that I am able to have the medicine with me to help me with the pain from time to time. Now, people would say that when you go to the hospital it’s supposed to help you and take care of you, but that’s not always true. I miss the days where the doctors actually cared and will not let you go because you say that you’re fine, but they know that you’re lying through your teeth and refuse to let you go until they deem you fit. Now it’s either you’re losing blood, have a broken bone or even a deadly spreading disease for the doctor to take you seriously; and if you’re not any of these and you don’t look like you’re injured and only in pain, they will tell you what they told me at Manchester Hospital. The incident had happened while I had gone to my second job and had eaten something that caused me to have trouble breathing through my mouth and making my mouth go dry. I didn’t know what happened, and still don’t know what actually happened until this day. I was sent to AmCare at my job and my boss wanted to send me to the hospital in an ambulance; unfortunately, I told him ‘No, my friend is already here’ and something in me wished that I would go back and change my answer. If I had shown up in the ambulance maybe, just maybe, I would’ve been taken seriously. But you can’t change time. Once they got me into a room, I was just sitting there for thirty minutes tops before the doctor came in and asked me questions without actually checking.
“Hello, my name is Chung-Yu Hsiao, the doctor that will be taking care of you. Are you having an allergic reaction?”
“I don’t know, I’m not allergic to any food, just pollen and dust,” I said while constantly itching my throat and my side.
“Okay, well, it doesn’t seem like you’re having one since you’re not seem to be itching or having a bad reaction, so we’re going to check if you have strep throat. I’ll be right back,” Doctor Hsiao said, leaving me confused because I was scratching and STILL having trouble right in front of him. I was wondering where he got his PhD because there was no way that he didn’t see me in pain or struggling. I wish my mother was there with me because she can call someone out on their bullshit and not care about that person’s feelings. There will be times where my mother would leave work just to find a way for me and make sure that I am okay throughout the process and never be scared through it all; whether it was middle school, high school, or even college. Doesn’t matter how old I’ll get; I will always still be the baby of the house to my mother and family. I don’t like going to the hospital room by myself because it feels like the whole world is ready to swallow me up, or just continue to laugh at me while knocking me off my path—it sees how weak I am and the struggles I go through every day. After what felt like forever, a nurse came in and took a swab test and gave me a medication called Lidocaine 2% Viscous PO 10 ml (about 0.34 oz) and told me to throw it back like it was a shot and laugh like the situation was funny. All I could do was just look at her until she caught my vibe that nothing was funny in this situation, and I would have cared less that she was going home in five to ten minutes. If I had to keep her there until I was released I would. But that wasn’t the case because once I was given the nasty liquid, which almost caused me to throw up, they gave me my discharge papers and released me. They didn’t explain to me what I had or what medicine I needed to take or what my next steps would be. Hence why I wish my mother was there because the nurse wouldn’t have left without giving me the rundown on what I needed to do, not caring if she had to go. My mother always made sure someone would always do their damn job.
During that experience, it felt like a waste of time and will never get rid of the feeling that I’m alone when I’m going through these challenges because if the doctor doesn’t care, what would make me think that others will care as well. I have always gone head-to-head with my medical battles throughout each semester, and not once have I given up, but this semester I was at my last wit where I was battling more than I could handle, and I was ready to drop everything. Yes, I have my friends and family and they will always be there for me. However, that won’t always be the case since my family is an hour and a couple of minutes away and my friends have their own lives and problems, and me being the person that I am, I don’t want to be a bother to their everyday life. I was never raised to be a quitter, but I almost dropped everything until my art professor had told me something that I didn’t think that I would ever hear.
“I have never met anyone who has gone through what you’re going through and being able to smile and fight every day. You’re an inspirational hero for me.”
I never thought in my life that I would be a hero to anyone, let alone to an adult who experienced way more in life than I ever did. Him saying that just makes me want to fight even more and to never think about giving up. The same recognition that I was able to receive from adults has put light into my eyes, and gave me strength to continue fighting, and not being able to give up. I have realized that I have forgotten the most important thing that my mother told me: ‘Life will never be easy and will never go your way’, and I have been letting everything and everyone control my life when the only one who could do that is me, and me alone. I have been told multiple times that ‘your health comes first, don’t come to class’ or ‘maybe you should take a gap year to take care of your health’. I appreciate the concerns and thoughtful messages, but, unfortunately, my dream is to continue my education and walk across the stage to get my degree along with my master’s. If I must do it in a wheelchair or be on crutches to get to that place in my journey, then so be it, because “Life is a Journey, not a Destination ”.
Tyzamin Williams is a senior at Central Connecticut State University majoring in General Studies along with a double minoring in Creative Writing and Business. Throughout college her health has been a challenge, but it does stop her from her passion. Writing is a passion of hers, especially in poetry, where she can put my thoughts and emotions on paper and transform them into a story where others can relate to.