- You can’t.
The End.
2. Take 600 milligrams of ibuprofen before each warm-up session. 400 milligrams isn’t enough to mask the pain of every cleat stud stabbing your thigh or burns from the turf. It also helps mask brain pain after being slammed on the ground, leaving you questioning if you actually have a concussion or not.
3. After a game, if your joints can bend and your muscles are able, crawl into a cold bath. You want it to be hot because you’re in so much pain and just need comfort, but no. It needs to be cold. Captain says hot water is bad for your muscles if they are sore. Cold water helps your muscles heal faster. You have to make yourself suffer even more.
4. You need to plan when you’re going to get tattoos and piercings. They typically need at least 2 months to heal. Rugby is played all year, so your only time off is winter and summer break. Plan your poking appointments for then. If not, you need white medical tape so you can cover ALL piercings for games and practice: ears, nose, nipples, belly button, or wherever else makes you happy. Wrap your tattoos so the turf doesn’t burn them, Then, once you look like you’re ready for war, you can walk out on the pitch.
5. Immediately ice your shin splints after every practice and game. Midway through the season they are already stress fractured, but if you still want to be a starter, don’t sit out at practice. Coach will get mad. He needs you. Just pop 3 ibuprofens.
6. Take the elevator to class because your shins are fractured. Then show up to practice that same day and go tackle your teammates as if they’re not all your best friends, and some of your roommates. Emotionally disconnect yourself as you willingly hurt them.
7. They say that “rugby is football with no pads,” and that couldn’t be further from the truth. In rugby, the only protection you can wear is a ‘scrum cap,’ a head piece meant to protect your ears, not your head or neck that are susceptible to injury at any wrong movement in a scrum, when your head is directly in pits and butts, while football players are covered head to toe in pads. Rugby has hookers, wings, locks, and an 8-man; more entertaining names for a more entertaining sport that was created half a century before football. Also, rugby never stops the clock (unless a scrum cap failed its job) allowing its players to catch their breath. So, the saying should be “football is rugby with pads head to toe because the players are lazy scaredy-cats that have CTE and lamer position names.”
8. Turf burn is your biggest enemy. Wear leggings and long sleeves under your uniform to protect your skin. But if it is hot or you’re a hooker, you can’t wear leggings because your butt cheeks need to be gripped to be lifted in the air. So, wear the longest and tightest spandex on the market to 1) provide as much coverage on your thigh as possible, and 2) add a layer of protection between your underwear and shorts because you will without a doubt be pantsed. Also, wear your socks up to your knees, making you feel like you’re back on the pee-wee soccer field, because you need to be protected from the turf.
9. Learn to fall on your hard parts. Forearms, thighs, and shins, that’s about it. If any other body parts hit the ground first, that’s your fault. If you get banged up during the game, you better be ready to go back in the next half. Cleat to the eye? Ice it. Toes mangled from being stomped on? Take another ibuprofen. Bleeding? Just put a Band-Aid on it. Wind knocked out of you? The ref will actually stop the clock this time, but just catch your breath so we can continue. Throwing up? Who cares if you’re a biohazard, coach isn’t wasting a sub on you. Banged your head? Answer the trainer’s questions correctly so you can go back in.
10. Don’t play rugby if you’re a wimp. You will always get obliterated on the pitch.
The actual end.
Alexis Lykowski is an avid writer and rugby player, and senior at CCSU. She is majoring in Communication with a minor in Writing and Publishing, helping her secure an internship at Globe Pequot Press. Her writing is soon to be published in Blue Muse Magazine, where she is a staff editor and features scheduler and coordinator for the Spring 2024 semester.